The past is the past....

But why does it bother me so? The past is just that... the past. Nothing that can ever be changed, but yet something that may predict the future.

In this case, it's promiscuity. My ex was promiscuous, and that relationship ultimately failed. I just found out that my current has a promiscuous past as well... does that predicate the future?

Does it matter? It's not like she has HIV, not like she has genital herpes, not like she's given me the clap. Physically, if anything, it may have altered her tightness... But that would vary over time anyways, and I'm not even sure about that, since I do not know how her body has evolved over time. All I know is how she is now. She's loving, she's great in bed, she knows her physical self, she's not afraid to express what she wants, and she likes what I give her. In fact, she's stated that I'm the best partner that she's ever had. Is that a good or bad thing?

Then again, it's not like I'm a virgin. Last time I counted (accurately) I put my number at 8. Her round number she gave me was around 30, with 5 being this year counting me. This year I've had 4 counting her. Sexually we both started around the same age of 17, but obviously our pattern of partners differed.

She does have history of sexual abuse that occurred to her. Could this have impacted her physical behavior? I think it may have... And if so, would it mean that her sexual history is a little more forgivable? Is there anything that I need to "forgive" for? It's not like she cheated on me, not like we were together when she decided to sleep with these guys. (maybe girls too.. I haven't asked, nor do I really want to know since this is screwing with my mind so much. No pun intended.).

I read a few articles this morning on this topic. The first one gave a good explanation on why it affects men about the number of partners a woman has. It has to do with valuing that action...

To quote the article:
"An object that has value is worshipped, respected, cherished, and shared with very few deserving people. As soon as you start sharing that object with anyone and without care, the object starts to lose value. The more people use the object, the more it depreciates and the less bargaining power it has: this is a plain psychological fact of life."

That's how I used to view sex. I always told myself that I would only do that action with someone whom I cared a lot about due to the possible repercussions of the actions. If a child was created, would I stay with that person? Just over this past year my views changed on it, although a few of those girls did get tied up in me. I always knew they weren't the one that I would settle down with, yet I still had sex with them.

So why do I always get caught up on a woman's past? Odds are I would never be a woman's first at this point in my life. So does it matter really if it's been 5, 15, 30 before me? Does it matter now since I'm the one she's with, the one that she loves? In fact, recently when we spoke on this topic she told me that I was the first man she was in love with prior to sleeping with them. For all of the others, it was basically just to see if they would work out to progress the relationship, and for some it was just sex to her. She made the statement about the double standard in society. How a man can go around sleeping with women and be a stud, yet when a woman does it, she's a slut. But I think that her view like that is more of a mask of the true issues behind it. How her abuse has fed into her sexual patterns. How since her step dad did what he did, she cannot orgasm through manual or oral stimulation, how she can only orgasm with someone inside of her. That's why I feel she has slept with so many.

The second article was more to the point. I need to get over it, or else it will always impact our relationship. A good quote from the article:

"Whatever she did has contributed to making her the wonderful person she is today, the one you love. Also, the fact that she's had lots of sexual experience can only be in your favor. She's probably a much better lover than she would be if she hadn't had those experiences, and you're enjoying that. Also, the fact that she's already done so much means she won't be worrying about what she missed. "

So she's 'settled' for me. But she's been experienced, so there may not be a 'first' that I get to do with her (except for possibly getting her to orgasm through oral... which, I've gotten her damn close already). Also, it may mean that she would be open to more ideas that I have, perhaps allow me to experience more than I already have, perhaps have better ideas that would keep us interested in each other.

The past is past, I can't change it, I can only move forward.