The home talk between AL and I is getting pretty heavy. On one hand, we're not even married yet. On the other we're already talking about retiring together. It's crazy.
But everything feels great! Any concerns we have about one another we bring up and hash out at that time, we try to not leave anything to rest. There have been times when both of us have suppressed information from one another, being cautious about the other person's possible reaction to the statement. But that's all part of a growing relationship, finding out what situations rile a person, or what situations please them to no end and everything between.
She mentioned the other day that at times she feels that she has to "walk on eggshells" when talking to me. More than likely due to my statement to her about how I get angry and hurt when I hear her talk about flying to places to meet up with guys to see if a relationship will work or not. To me, it just seems that she has a sordid history of sorts. Where she's quick to jump on a relationship, which to me translates to her sleeping with them all. She talks as if it's been more than numerous guys, and if that's the case, it would bother me, but I'm not sure why.
It could be because it hurts me that she would treat herself that way, that she would put herself out there for someone who didn't deserve her. But that's part of life, to live and learn. Why would it bother me if she did sleep with them all? I don't even know what the number surrounding "all" is... She told me about an amazing trip she took up to Alaska. In pretext it was to visit Alaska since she's never been there... in post text it was because she was up there for 5 days with a guy she thought she'd start a relationship with. Oh, and that there was another person up there that was a friend from a conference that she wanted to visit. Hrm.. did she sleep with him? Does it matter? I saw the pictures of the guy on her social website page... why am I looking at that? Why can't I put that out of my head and chalk it up to the past?
One direct illustration of this is around the situation between her and a friend of mine. Yes, they dated, and in fact he slept with her. What hurts me was that she asked me if I would care if she dated him since we all played on the same soccer team together, and the fact that I did go out on a date with her in the past. I told her no, it wouldn't bother me, but I knew it would. That was my fault... maybe I should have headed it off at that time, but I didn't want to be a jerk and you never know the future. Maybe it would have worked out for them, but it didn't. I knew it wouldn't, and I told her so at that time. I told her how he was anti-social, how he had a really bad relationship relatively recently, of how he is judgemental of people at times. But she didn't listen. She admitted to me later that she would have dated him regardless, that she just wanted to warn me. She would have done it.. no matter what I said. But I warned her... I thought she would heed it and not do it... instead, she got involved with him. She learned of his past, she "got intoxicated with his plight", another guy which she thought she could fix. The part that really stabs me though is that she slept with him. I don't need that picture in my head. Have you ever seen the movie Office Space? Yeah, that scene about the boss screwing the girl? That keeps running in my head... I really don't need that.
I believe that it bothers me because I'm suspect of her previous decisions and what it could mean in the future. Here she is, with a rash of relationships that all seem to be bad, then she winds up with me. She's admitted to the pattern of jumping from one relationship to another, to physically moving locations to try a relationship out (multiple times). She's admitted to adultery in her previous marriage. Have my decisions been any better? In fact, I've had the same pattern, jumping from one relationship to the next, however when I was married I never committed adultery. That's one thing I would never do. But for more casual relationships, I've always had something on the front burner and back... But not now. I've cut it down to her, and her only.
It scares me. But here we are... talking of marriage, kids, moving in together, buying a house... Both excited, yet both pensive. I wish we both didn't have a past. I wish that I would have found her much earlier in my life. I'm thankful that I have her now.
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