Avoidance +3...

LF contacted me last night again wanting me to come over... Saying that she has missed my "hugs", that she wanted to see me. But last night I had an after work meeting and then 2 soccer games. No real time to fraternize around, especially since AL was going to be playing with me in my second game.

Driving between games, I got a message from LF: "Who's the girl above me on your profile". Made me think... what the f*ck, this girl is turning into a stalker. I responded back to her.. "I don't really care about the ordering of 'top friends' on my profile, I just put the real people I know ahead of the bands and other things I'm associated with... Hell, my ex-wife is in my top friends". (which she is... )

LF also let me know yesterday that it frustrated her that she wants me, but I'm seemingly too busy for a relationship. I responded back to her with: "No, I'm just not around you as much as you would like.." Knowing full well that I was in fact avoiding her. Attempting to look too busy for a relationship. (Avoidance +1).

I haven't contacted SR (Avoidance +2) nor Sum (Avoidance +3) either this week. I'm seeing SR tonight at our weekly bowling night. Since this is about the 3rd or 4th week where I haven't really spoken to her much outside of bowling, I'm sure, and hoping, that tonight will just be cordial between us. None of her kissing me, no whining of why I don't see her outside of these social situations. I really hope it's like that.

I'm such an ostrich when it comes to wanting something to end between me and another girl... I really thought I grew out of doing this sort of thing, non-confrontational and not leaving questions unanswered. But for these relationships to which I felt were a lot more casual, I'm not. Not like I was ever 'committed' to any of them, in fact I'm sure they knew that I was dating others. They'd have to be blind to not notice...

Perhaps this will catch up to me as I allow those other relationships dwindle away... Obviously my focus has developed on AL... But I still have a lot to learn about her as well...

Such a predicament.

One on One...

AL and I ended up that way at my house last night. Just she and I. She was in town hanging out with some of her friends for their regular Boggle game night at the Lucky Lab pub here in Portland. Last night I also had a marketing meet and greet for my work where I was able to meet a lot of the new field sales people that are out selling our product across the nation. It's pretty interesting putting faces to a voice. The meet-and-greet was put on by our sales department as a way to extend their thanks for what we've been able to accomplish during the year and full filling their client promises.

The event was supposed to start at 6pm at a local billiards hall that I tend to frequent during the weekends from time to time. I was pretty familiar with it, so I decided to get there a bit earlier than the others. I rolled into there around 4:45 or so. Since our work was footing the bill, I broke the ice with the bartender about the event and was able to line up a few free beers and billiards prior to the official start time. Made me pretty happy.

Earlier in the afternoon AL had invited me to dinner. She wanted to meet up after my work meeting and prior to her Boggle group. Unfortunately (or fortunate) the timing wouldn't work out, and it was actually better for me to come be with her and her Boggle friends.

I already knew most of her friends there, so I met the stragglers and we hit it off. To boot, AL and I ran into a common friend of ours whom was there for some drinks as well, so she and her friends pulled up to our table to partake in the activities. After another beer from me, and I bought AL dinner (she kind of side mentioned on Sunday that she was a bit broke.. easy enough for me to do was to buy her dinner), after we played Boggle for a few hours I started to get cold since we were sitting outside. I started suggesting to her that maybe we leave, so I could warm up, and she agreed to it. When we were leaving, we hugged and chatted a bit, I suggested that perhaps she could come to my place and hang out for awhile. After a bit of convincing (she didn't put up much of a disagreement) she agreed to come over. I let her know it's not as if I had any bad intentions... But she just kept saying the statement... "But you're a boy!". I looked at her and said, "No.. not really. I'm a man.". To which she smiled.

So at my house we both were in agreement... no sleeping together. No having sex that night, only take the pace that each of us was comfortable with. We spent most of the night just cuddling, carressing and conversing. About 1:30am, she finally decided to leave. No sex, no pressure, just good conversation and we learned a lot more about each other.

She makes me happy.

Just feels right...

Over the weekend I spent some time with AL. We went to the Timbers soccer game on Sunday and had dinner Friday night. We spent a lot of the time feeling out each other (both figuratively and literally). It was strange though, just every response we had to each other, just seemed.... right.

Here is a woman that is similar in ways to me, but different enough in experiences and thought to keep me intrigued. She's beautiful, witty, athletic, selfless and strong willed. She plays and enjoys soccer as I do, is very affectionate and enjoys bantering about me on topics. The only reservation that I'm currently having is that it seems that she is always "testing" me. Trying to listen for responses that may impact her outlook on me. Eventhough she does this, it doesn't cause me to alter my responses to her. But it does give me some cause for concern.

Perhaps she's been jaded from her past (she also has had a failed marriage), maybe she just thinks that the situation is too good to be true. We went on a date about 5 months ago. At that time I saw a lot of the qualities that I'm attracted to, and I still do. But it didn't work then, so why now?

I asked her about that. Why the sudden turn-around?

She said that she had finally realized that she couldn't deny it anymore. All during those 5 months she was trying to find someone like her ex-husband (which I'm not). She wanted to find someone that she could fix of the same issues that her ex had. How he was cold to her, wasn't supportive of her, didn't believe in her. Why would anyone want that?

What she couldn't understand how I could like her straight off. Why I was so attracted to her in the beginning. What did I see in her, when I hardly knew her, that would make me like her?

All during that time when she was dating others, she said that she kept thinking about me. She noticed how I wasn't like that, that I would be supportive and understanding of situations. She noticed how I would do things such as carry her off the field when she hurt her ankle in a soccer game, how I would listen to her opinions and give my own guidance. Then she decided not to deny it anymore. Life is too difficult to handle your own life, let alone trying to fix someone else whom will always be broken.

So here we are... I've found myself already starting to push LF away, to not call Sum back, to not reach out and talk to SR. I find myself to not be hesitant to have me be seen with her out in public. To want to meet her for events, to make time in my day to contact her. Maybe I'm settling... maybe this is what I've been searching for. Time will tell. All I know right now is that we both have commented that it "just feels right".

Fleeting glances...

do tell a lot about a person's thoughts, interests, possibilities.

AL came and watched me play my late soccer game last night. She was in town meeting up with some friends of hers for their weekly "knitting circle". It's funny, not like she's 60 or something, but she and some of her friends have picked up that hobby. Definitely not a bad hobby like... I don't know... gambling. So good for her.

My game was at 9:40pm, which means it wouldn't be over until 10:30 or so. But she is a trooper, and since her group was done around that time she just swung over to watch me play. The soccer game its self was fun, I guess. My leg is starting to improve, which means I can push myself more on the field. The team we were playing had some good male players, which always gets me to step up my game. On top of that, they were being rough, which doubly gets me competitive. I don't like people pushing around me, let alone any of my teammates. I'm the fight type in the fight or flight scenario, so if I feel threatened, I'll rise to it. However unfortunately I'm not that recovered yet, so I did some good but not near the normal play that I have. We ended up losing 6-2. AL got to see my competitive side, which she knows about, but generally she is playing with me and not just watching.

After the game, when I was taking off my gear, AL came over and was talking to me and ironically another girl that's on the team that she knows. The team captain for the team I play on is this girl Christi. She's definitely the type of girl I'd be interested. She's pretty good looking, loves to play soccer, is competitive like I am and is a nurse. My parents are both in the medical industry, and I work at a software company that deals with health and wellbeing, and healthcare.

When we were leaving the facility (AL and I), I glanced back to where Christi was sitting taking off her gear, I glanced back and saw Christi give AL one of those "who's she?" looks and then looked back at her friend while they continued talking. Now, from my experiences, girls only give looks like that when they're at least somewhat interested in the guy that the other girl is with...

Interesting... fleeting glances do tell a lot.

It stings just a bit....

The writing was on the wall... literally. Like on the Facebook wall.

My ex-wife and I have an amicable relationship. We still get along fine, we're not mean to each other, in fact we both stay concerned about the on goings in each others lives. She let me know recently how one of her sisters was married, about her mom's health and how she's retiring early. Her dad is holding on, hasn't died yet from his emphysema, how her nieces and nephew are growing up, etc. In her emails to me however, she doesn't shed much insight into her personal life. I can understand though, letting an ex-husband know that she's moving on and has found someone new can be a touchy subject. She doesn't want to hurt me, but she herself needs to keep moving on in life. It happens, I know.

Just as I suspected, she is involved with a new guy. Checking her profile on Facebook this morning (she changed her profile picture and I wanted to see some of the other pictures of South Korea. She moved there after our divorce.) I could see her relationship status had changed. "In a relationship with..." It made my heart twinge. Like the finality of it all has come to us. She's actually developed enough feelings for another person to consider herself in a relationship. What hurts even more is that his profile is also on Facebook. Great, I get to see his mug with her in pictures now as well.

The interesting fact is that he's about the polar opposite of me. He's artistic, plays the guitar, lives out of his van, loves to travel around without much of a plan. I'm the type to plan out the next few years of my life, at least occupationally and environmentally. I hold down a technical job, work with computers in an office setting. I have deadlines to meet, projects to run, large clients to handle. I'm the type where I'd rather go play a soccer game then take an unplanned trip in a bus that can break down out to someplace god knows where. I do like travelling though. I just like hotels, reservations, agendas... Relationships though, that's obviously another story. To boot, at least in my opinion, he's not as handsome as I am. I'm sure that I am a bit biased though. It makes sense for her to be with him though. She's always been the type to run away from situations, to not feel tied down, to not be relied upon. Everything that a care-free artist embodies.

It still hurts ....

But then again, look at the situations that I'm in. I am sure it wouldn't make her feel too well either. Speaking of which, AL let me know she was going to be in town tonight for something, she remembered that I had a game and asked when and where I was going to be playing so she could come watch. Unlike SR and LF, I felt fine letting AL know where I was going to be tonight... Times change, life goes on.

My Spidey senses are tingling...

If there's one thing in life that I've learned, it is to trust my instincts. Throughout my life I've been pretty perceptive of people's feelings and motivations. I've also been wrong in some assumptions, but rare is that case.

Right now, my Spidey senses are telling me that LF is about to drop off and not be involved with me anymore. How do I know? Well, I'm not getting 30 text messages a day from her anymore. I haven't been getting calls from her either. Remember how she mentioned her date the other date? Yeah, so she's obviously starting to branch out. Do I blame her? Not really. I haven't been devoting as much time as she wants into the situation, but as I've stated in this blog her neediness is grinding.

Last we spoke on the phone, she talked about how she "just wants someone to spend time with me". Definitely a sign of co-dependence. I mean, I can understand, it sucks being alone. She feels that she's been "alone" for a long time now and wants someone beside her all the time. Right now, I don't have that much time to give, nor do I want to devote my whole free time to having to be around her. I want to be around someone when I feel comfortable, it takes a lot for me to share my personal space now. She feels suffocating at times. She would always put constraints on our interactions. At one point, she told me that she didn't want to sleep with me unless she stayed the night. However, she did sleep with me a few times without spending the night. So why is it an issue that she's not on me anymore?

I guess it's more of a pride issue. Yet again I couldn't completely fullfil a woman's needs and wants. That she's at a point where someone else will fill the gaps (no pun intended) for her. With how my dating streak is going, and from what I've learned over the past 2 years is that there are plenty of fish out in the sea. Wrong time, wrong situation, too much baggage from both of us. At least I was nice and saw her through a difficult period in her life, but that support turned into her relying and wanting more from me. I'm not ready for that... wrong time, wrong situation.

Meanwhile tonight I'm meeting AL for a movie. It's strange, when SR and LF have asked me to do things, I've been either avoiding it, or denying it. With AL, I want to go spend time with her... It could be my curiosity as to why she finally came around. What changed in her life? Am I really second fiddle to the rest? Or does she finally realize that I could be good for her? I'll delve into that a bit more with her, but for the time being I'm just enjoying it.

Yesterday I finally bit and bought a 1 month subscription on an online dating site. We'll see what cultivates from there. There is at least one woman I want to meet, I've sent her an email before and a "flirt" but no response.... But it's another door that's open for new opportunities to come through.

What goes around....

Comes around. Some very sage advice that my father gave to me when I was running into popularity issues in middle school was the following: "What you are doing is great. It's the others whom are unable to follow what you are doing. Keep doing what you're doing and eventually they'll come back around."

That statement was definitely true. When high school came around, I was able to leave my old crowd behind as I went to a magnet high school in our school district and not the usual neighborhood high school that the other kids I knew went to. In fact, they had a much rougher time during those years. Out of 6 kids in my neighborhood, only 2 of us went to the magnet high school, the other 4 went to the neighborhood high school and they all ended up dropping out at some point or another.

My friend and I ended up fine in high school. It gave us an opportunity to remake our images, to branch out and grow into ourselves. Same has been going on recently in my dating environment.

Before I was married, I was always in a long term relationship. I guess it was due to the fact that I remembered subconsciously about my parents divorce when I was a child, and I didn't want to see another relationsip fail. But different situations and different people involved. Break-ups are like the world ending when your young. You always think you've "found the one", that your love will be eternal. However, realistically this isn't true.

Everyone grows and evolves over time. Personalities change based on influences and experiences in our lives. It's natural for people's paths to converge and split, sometimes to remesh at a future date. Such is the case with AL.

AL contacted me yesterday wanting to do something that night. Explicitly she wanted me to come meet her at the Timbers game. I knew that LF would be there, as would more than likely SR. A pretty big roll of the dice if they saw me there with AL. More than likely I'd be left in the dust by all 3 had I followed through with that plan of meeting AL. But I was going to chance it... The Timbers game would have a few thousand people there, I could hang low and hope I don't get noticed too much.

But plans changed. I drove down there and literally drove around for 1/2 an hour looking for parking near the stadium, but to no avail. I called AL and let her know (this was already half way through the first half of the game) about the situation, and to give me a call after the game and we'd meet up then. We did end up meeting at Henry's for dinner. It was nice, as it usually is. Good food, they had a few games on the TV's, and good eye candy at that restaurant. AL and I have always had a good communication path, we're both more direct when we get into conversations on topics, etc. I let her know about some of the stresses in my life that have been weighing on me, moving, my parents, work, etc. I didn't tell her about the others though.

We spent a few hours together just talking about our situation, why she finally came back around (she states that when we first went out, she wasn't ready for it. She didn't really realize what she had the chance for back then. Also she couldn't understand why I would spend time with her now.) I told her that everyone takes a different path through life, some have more lessons to learn than others, some are still finding out their true selves. Needless to say, we clicked. It may turn interesting there. What goes around, comes back around in time.

While I was writing this entry, a message came in from a social networking site letting me know that SR had just modified her "status". It's been changed to "SR is moving on." Since I've had scarce interactions with SR during this past month or so, except for just last week, it can basically mean only one thing. She's finally moved on from me. Seems like I took the easy road on this one, bury my head in the sand, ignore it and hope it goes away. Guess it is with her, she's finally "moving on" from me.

Karma's a Bitch...

I knew that something would have to give. One way or another, the "harem" would be trimmed down, one-by-one until the last one was left. Knowing my luck, the last two will take off at the same time and I'll be at square 1, by myself yet again. Not necessarily a bad thing, I guess. Alone time is good now and then, but it's not always enjoyable.

On Friday I had an indoor game with one of my adult co-ed teams. Nothing big happened, we ended up tying 4-4 after going up 4-1. I scored 2 goals, so I couldn't score anymore. Since that was the case, our goalie wanted to come out and play field. Unfortunately this was with about 15 minutes left in the game in the second half. I do play goal keeper now and then, so it should have been that big of a deal to drop back and let the regular keeper play the field. The unfortunate thing is that makes the flow of the game different. The other team ended up changing the momentum of the game and came back to tie it up in the end. Bummer, but it happens.

Sum has been trying to do something with me for a long time now. Ever since she got back from Morocco about a month or so ago, so it was due time I spent some time with her. We ended up driving out to the coast for the day, to Manzanita, Oregon to help out with the SOLV event. It was a simple beach clean-up. Go down, pick up some bags and gloves and comb the beach for refuse. The unfortunate issue is that it's not fully organized. That's about the whole organizational structure of it. No guidance about where to go cover, no assignment of groups to areas, nothing really effective. So naturally most people ended up just going about half a mile in each direction of the base tent and cleaning that area only. Makes me sad, because just a little bit more effort will allow for a much more effective event. I guess at that point, my Karma should have been Karma = Karma + 1.

Saturday was some of the same, cleaned up my house a bit, did some odd chores, etc. Watched the Oregon State Beavers trounce on Idaho State in football, and also caught some of the University of Oregon Ducks whipping on the Fresno State team. That night I ended up meeting my friend Ryan at a billiards hall nearby called Sam's Billiards. Stayed out until around 11:30 or so, then made it home and to bed. During that day, LF sent me a few messages checking in to see what I was doing and if I wanted to go out. I didn't with her, I just wanted a quiet day away from relationship situations... That may have backfired on me. She did however text me around 1am seeing if I was up. It woke me up, but I didn't answer.

So today rolls around. The agenda today has been the following so far: Soccer at noon with my work team (we lost 2-0), then went and looked at the progress on my townhouse. That looked good so far to me, but found out that my move into it will be delayed until about November due to HOA setup, final pricing, etc. After those two things, I decided it'd be nice to check in with LF to see how she was doing. Well, that's when Karma bit back.

During the conversation, she let me know that she had recently gone out on a date with someone. I had a feeling that she did, as a couple of days last week I didn't really hear from her, or at least as much as I usually do. Initially it made me a bit upset. I mulled over some thoughts with her on the situation. She told me that we weren't exclusive, and in fact that I didn't want that either. She's right. I don't want to be exclusive... Or more that I don't want the responsibility of a relationship that is situated like that. I don't want to always feel like I have to call someone to check in, that I'm bad if I don't go see them when I have a free second, that I always have to call them every single day. I don't want that.

With my parents mulling a divorce, my new house being finished, possibility of going to see my grandfather's dedication at Purdue later next month, and work. On top of that, playing on 6 soccer teams, having a weekly bowling team and balancing 3 other girls, sometimes I feel like I don't have time to myself to breathe. It doesn't help that I also have Seasonal Affected Disorder and that the fall season is right on top of us in Oregon now. Ugh. But I can't have everything.

So I told her my thoughts on it. I didn't say I was dating anyone else (although she's not stupid, I'm sure she has a feeling I am). But I did let her know that if she wanted to date someone else, then she wouldn't be dating me. That's the truth, although extremely selfish of me. I recognize that. If she actually knew about the other girls, I'm sure she'd be way gone from me. Could be good, could be bad.

We spoke some more about it. I asked who the guy was (it's someone who does a lot of the same activities that she does...) Did she kiss him? (well, he kissed her...) Would she date him again? (She told him that she just wanted to be friends... no more one on one dates with him.)

Do I think she's telling me the truth? Yes, I do. I mean, she keeps stating that she doesn't want to be alone anymore. She's been "alone" for over a year and a half. (Oh wait.. she did sleep with someone earlier this year... thus the abortion... ) She skews situations so much. I.E. she said that she hasn't seen me in a week. But I saw her on Thursday. That we don't talk... We talked on the phone on Friday. The more and more I think about it, she's definitely maintenance. So why does it bug me that she dates someone else?

I think a lot of it stems back from my father's original divorce, how I was treated in middle school, my own divorce and the separation anxiety that I have. Here's someone who desperately wants to spend more time with me, but I keep pushing away and not letting her in. Maybe it's something that I'm trying to prove... But to whom? All I'm doing is putting myself in a situation where I'll hurt someone else and myself in the long run.

Meanwhile, AL wanted to meet me at the Timbers playoff game tonight. It's actually going on right now as I type this. I knew in the back of my head that LF would be there (She told me she was going with some friends...), SR would also theoretically be there (She mentioned it earlier this week on Wednesday that she was thinking of going). But I went down there anyways. Drove around for 1/2 an hour looking for parking, literally combing all the streets nearby the stadium. No avail. I didn't want to walk a mile to the stadium once I found street parking, and it was already about 20 minutes into the first half, so I ended up saying "fuck it" and went back home. I sent a text to AL letting her know the news, she was definitely bummed. I let her know about how I was driving all over trying to find parking to no avail. She was there with some girl friends of hers, so at least she wasn't alone. I let her know to call me once the game was done, and mayhaps we'll meet up then.... Just maybe.

A tale of 2 Anvils...

But neither of which are related...

The first anvil is for my friend Craig. He's a world traveller whom documents a lot of his trips on his website Travelvice. I met Craig when I was studying for my Bachelor's at Southern Oregon University. Craig is a great guy, well travelled (obviously), very intelligent and has a great personality to boot. Well, during one of his trips, he met a beautiful Puruvian girl. As he states it, he "knocked her up" and she's now 4 months pregnant. Unfortunately, this may halt his travels for the time being until he gets it all sorted out.

The other anvil is for my father. He decided that last night was the night he was going to give her "the letter". This letter is the culmination of mis-treatment from my mother to him, as well as the rest of the family.

2 anvils dropped in my world... I wonder what the outcome will be.

Crushing my Zen...

I try to stay in shape... Really, I do. However it seems that lately I haven't been able to get into the gym on a regular basis, which has been cramping my athleticism, so I have a bit of work to get done to fix that.

My old routine at my other job used to be that I would go to the gym twice a day, followed by soccer at night. The gym was located a half block away, so it was impossible to avoid. That pattern was developed after my divorce, in a means to keep me occupied and doing "something" at least. The benefits of being more in shape were also a bonus.

Unfortunately (or fortunate, as this job pays more), I had to leave my old job for a new one that is in downtown Portland. The draw back about this is that the gym is now across downtown and I'm unable to get there on my lunch, which leaves only after work to work out. This effectively has cut out half of my workout time. This, partnered with my sciatica that I have developed, has made it frustrating to stay in shape. At least now I'm going to a Physical Therapist to treat my sciatica and hopefully that will help alleviate the symptoms that I have.

Well, LF used to be a personal trainer. So was my ex-wife. I know that having a personal trainer help you can make your work outs more effective and beneficial, all good things. However, I also view my workout time as my "personal time", where I go to work out job/relationship frustrations by lifting weights and listening to music. Since LF used to be a personal trainer, and she (almost desperately) wants to spend more time with me, she has mentioned to me numerous times that she wants to come work out with me. Yesterday was one of the days that she has imposed herself on my time.

Before, LF wasn't a member of a gym, but she recently told me how she wanted to join one. She asked me what gym I went to, so I told her Bally's, because that's the one I do go to. Yesterday she asked me if I was going to work out, and I told her that I was. Needless to say, of corse she showed up at the gym when I was there. I guess technically I showed up when she was there, as she was there first, but that was because I had to stay late at work in order to alleviate some issues a client of mine was having. Still, it didn't make me happy that she basically imposed herself on my time that I have set aside for myself.

I go to the gym more for personal time, not for relationship time. I tend to get self conscious at the gym due to me not being overly in shape (granted, I'm nowhere near to being out of shape.. I can just use some extra work to help my body and help strengthen me). So going to the gym doesn't equate to me feeling flattering. Having her there, and following me around made it even worse. It threw my routine off, threw my focus off, threw my day off.

Towards the end of my session, I went upstairs into a corner in order to stretch and help my back out. I had to do some funky poses that my Physical Therapist taught me to help strengthen my core, so already at that time I was feeling self conscious and just wanted to be left alone. But what did LF do? She came upstairs, and proceeded to kick a ball into me right when I was in the middle of one of my awkward stretches. Absolutely pissed me off, I reacted by kicking the ball half way across the room into a machine. This caught her off gaurd of course, but that was my reaction. Here she was, trying to interact with me, taking my attention away from the purpose I was there for and also breaking up my personal time.

I'm thinking that the next time I talk to her, I'll try to explain this to her. Maybe she'll understand, or not. Quit crushing my zen.

Cutting dead weight...

Between 6 soccer teams, my physical therapy, the social life with my friends, and my Warcraft, it makes it challenging to balance multiple relationships. There's not enough hours in the day, let alone the week to be able to adequately maintain each one.

Does this mean I should cut down to just one? No way.

However, just cutting it down to 1 or 2 might be more reasonable. But which ones?

Big Turkey Bowling is starting this Wednesday. SR is on my team... remember her? Might make it a bit awkward if I drop any interaction with her, although she is beginning to ween off. I spoke with her last weekend, and we spoke a bit about how things were going with her. She's beginning to get cold feet about the townhouse, since it'll literally be right across the street from me. It wouldn't surprise me if she ends up backing out of hers.

She also spoke a bit about where she was in life, how she was boarderline thinking of going back to school, how she felt she should be married or at least in a stable relationship right now, etc. All of which is scary to think about. If she went back to school, it wouldn't be here in Portland. Relationsip wise, of course I'm not ready to settle down, let alone get married any time soon. Since she and I tend to have history, of course some of her longings are towards me, but I know that in the end that I wouldn't not be with her. It might be hard on her to be there seeing me weekly, yet knowing I'm not involved with her anymore.

Sum also just called me wanting to do something on Thursday. But on Thursday I have 2 soccer games... Fitting her in on that day won't work. I have a soccer game tonight as well, but I could feasibly meet her afterwards. Short notice, not sure if she'd be up for that. Wednesday is bowling, Thursday is 2 soccer games, Friday is a soccer game. Saturday the Portland Timbers have their playoff game... Sunday I have a noon soccer game... maybe Sunday night, but then again there's football. Maybe she'll want to watch the game someplace....

Last night LF came over to watch the second game of the NFL double header that was on. She has been having a hard time with her new job, and in fact is spending today trying to find a different job. She was way stressed out and did nothing but complain for the first part of the night. After a beer and her being able to vent, her attitude changed and of course we ended up having sex. Afterwards, she complained how she doesn't spend enough time with me, how I need to invite her to my games, yadda yadda yadda.

I'm not quite sure I'm ready to have her around more, as that will shoe horn out others and also eat up my free time, plus require me to be further into a relationship with her...

I'm just not ready yet. Something, someone has to give. Let alone the fact that AL is starting to want to do things with me as well...

White chicks and gang signs....

Such a funny video... if you haven't, go watch it.

This past weekend was the music festival that myself and my friend Ryan attended a few concerts at. One of them was Ghostface Killah of the Wu-Tang Clan. We went and watched that Saturday night, much to the amusement of myself. Trust me, I enjoyed the show, it was the crowd that was more amusing to me.

Like the video I linked above, the vast majority of the crowd was like that. White rich kids from Lake Oswego trying to be hard in downtown Portland. But then again, I was also in the crowd. So who am I to judge? Not like I grew up in a true ghetto, not like I slang crack as a kid, not like I ever shot anyone.

Hardest drug I've done is marijuana. Have I shot anyone before? No.. but I have gotten into a few fights, had others "take care of my business" and have been jumped myself a few times. Probably a lot more action than most of the others at that show. But still, I can appreciate a good hip-hop show with the rest of them.

Gostface appeared to have fun as well. Towards the end of his set, he stopped and started talking to the crowd. He mentioned how he just flew 6 hours from Hawaii to be at this show (which was sponsored by Nike, so I'm sure there was incentive there). He mentioned how he actually liked the place, how nice people treated him here, the weather, everything.

When I was there, I talked a bit with a member of the Sand People. They're a rap conglomerate that come out of Portland. I went to their show on Friday night. They're not too bad, could use a lot of work on their stage show, but they showed some promise. They're dropping a release on October 6th, and I'm half-way thinking of attending their concert to see if they have improved at all.

Never enough time...

So this weekend there is a large music festival happening here in Portland. Music Fest Northwest. A lot of bands will be playing, some obscure, some known, some foreign and some local. Overall it should be an interesting experience as myself and my friend Ryan are going to attend.

Wristbands for the whole weekend are only $40, and it gives access to any show in the festival (albeit on a first come, first serve basis until the shows are considered "sold out"). More than likely I'll run into someone I know, probably meet someone new, and have to avoid a situation between a girl or two that I'm dating right now. It should be fun!

Last night I played some pick-up soccer with LF and friends of hers. Wonderful night in Portland, it was ~75F out and we played through dusk. LF of course wanted to come hang out at my place, but we were just done at 8:30pm and I hadn't been home since 7:30 that morning. I needed to get home, get some food and possibly rest a bit. Unfortunately I didn't go to bed until midnight again, so only 5 hours of sleep last night is starting to wear on me.

Yesterday I also went to a Physical Therapist for the first time to attempt to treat my Sciatica. She told me basically what I already knew, that I needed to stretch. I'm not sure on if that will alleviate my pain (it will add flexibility, but if it's a slipped disc in my back, then stretching won't help all that much), but I'm up for trying it. It's a good habit anyways with all the soccer that I play (I'm on 6 teams this season... that's right, 6.)

When I was up getting treatment, I spotted a few people at the gym I wouldn't mind talking to a bit more. However with LF possibly starting to do her workouts there, that will make things pretty awkward. We will see how that goes... She sure is trying to monopolize my time, which if I'm not careful I'll let "just happen". I tend to take the easy routes in relationships which leads me to settling for someone who more than likely doesn't fit everything that I'm looking for and in the end will lead to the relationship failing. Do I think that it's this way with LF? It's definitely a high possibility as some of her actions are already beginning to get on my nerves.

Only time will tell...

On the Precipice...

While I've been lamenting my relationship situations, my father is reaching a much more crucial point in his.

My father has been divorced before, as have I, although his was a lot more complicated than mine. My father was the first west of the Rocky Mountains to win sole custody of his children in a divorce. At that time it was ground breaking that he was able to do it, albeit was for the better. He eventually remarried my step-mother, and they have been married for over 25 years.

As any relationship, it has had its ups and downs. However for the past 10-12 years it has been on a downward spiral. My step-mother has developed into a truly self-centered, selfish person who has mistreated not only my father, but the rest of her family in an emotionally abusive manner. Thankfully I have grown up and left the situation to be on my own, however my father is stuck in the midst of it.

A lot has happened in their relationship that has lead to this point, a culmination of feelings, situations and decisions that has resulted in my father to deliver a written ultimatum to my mother this week. Either decide to truly fix their relationship, or they are getting a divorce. No more oscillating between half-hearted attempts to fix their relationship and mis-treating not only my father, but the rest of our family.

Time will tell, hopefully sooner rather than later, that my father's situation will be finalized with a divorce or my mother will truly begin to treat my father as he deserves to be. In any direction it goes, I'll be fully supportive.

Unannounced visitors...

Everyone thinks that his/her family is weird, and I'm no different. Although they're a bit predictable, for how unpredictable they can be.

This weekend I frustrated at least 3 of the girls that I'm dating due to my parents coming into town. Last week I got a call from my older sister, who lives in Hawaii, to just talk about things. I mentioned that our father was down on the ranch, and that I thought he was either just getting back from a trip to Alaska with my mother, or was down on the ranch. But I was wrong.

She informed me that in fact my father was going to be in town on Thursday, dropping my little sister off at her apartment here near town, and that he'd be up here for the long weekend picking my mom up from the airport. The plan was then to go through our two storage sheds up here to see what they want to move down to the ranch or ship out to Hawaii. Hrm, let me think. They'll probably want/need my help. Great of them to let me know this ahead of time.

So of course LF wanted to meet up with me and do something this weekend, but I had other plans. Friday I had a half day, just wanted to get home and clean it up as my dad also had plans to put the home I'm in up on the market and he wanted to show it to the the Realtor that would be handling the sale. Ugh, another unplanned inconvenience.

Saturday I just wanted to hang out with the guys, but my dad needed my help again while he was in town. He needed me to run over and help him fix my little sisters car. She had gotten into a wreck, so we were replacing the fender for it. I really wish that my parents would let me know ahead of time about these things, because even though I'm not, I feel obligated to help them. Saturday turned into that, plus watching football for a long time over at my friends place.

Also on Saturday morning, I went and helped a friend move from Beaverton to Portland, only took a few hours because she had like 10 people helping and not a lot of stuff to move. We accomplished it all in about 3 hours, which was great. During the move, AL was there and we spoke for a bit. Later that night I got a text from her asking if I wanted to go out with her on Sunday or Monday. I let her know that my parents were in town and I'd probably be having to help them, which turned out to be correct.

All during the weekend, LF was constantly badgering me to go out and do something with her, anything. But I told her I was occupied. She actually ended up sending me a random email talking about how it seemed that I didn't like her, that she was too emotionally tied up in me, that it didn't seem it'd work out, yadda yadda yadda. I just responded with: "You expect me to not be with my parents, who are here from out of town, and only be with you? I don't think so."

If she can't understand the importance of spending time with family who's in town from afar... then her priorities are skewed. I really think that her neediness is becoming grinding on me... This week is going to be a lot of relationship maintenance as I haven't even interacted with Sum since she's gotten back from her trip, nor have I spent time recently with SR. Ugh, sometimes dating can be a chore.