Time keeps on slippping... slipping... slipping..

Into the future.... as the Steve Miller Band would sing...

Well, SR has moved on... she just updated her Facebook profile to "in a relationship" last week. I truly hope she is with someone decent, her profile doesn't link out to her new person though. Could be a ploy, more than likely it's real. Egotistically I hope it's not a rebound relationship for her. Like a knee-jerk reaction since I updated mine, for her to go out and get involved with someone just to update hers. Most likely not though, she's not emotional like that.

I got back into town yesterday from a weekend trip out to Indiana for a dedication to my grandfather. It was a good family trip, also gave me some time away from AL to think about things. During that trip we sent a bunch of text messages to each other, and talked on the phone a few times. On the phone we were fine, we just spoke about what I was doing, how the dedication went, what she did that night when going out with her friends, etc.

Little did I realize that she was actually thinking of more things that she wasn't saying to me. Friday she had a late soccer game, and then was going to go out with her friends after that. I didn't have an issue with that, just a bit of jealousy due to my thoughts of how guys are when they are out dancing. Later I found out that she did go out with some of her friends, but there was also a guy there with his girlfriend, and that gave me a bit of solace. Mostly because with a guy there, theoretically they would chase off any of the jerks that would feasibly be harassing her.

This is what I was trying to explain to AL. It's not really the fact that I was jealous that she was out dancing, or worried that she would do something stupid (i.e. make out with some guy or something like that.) I already told her what the results would be if I found out that something did happen. I'd be gone. No hesitation, as I know that I can readily find someone else. I didn't ask her if she drank at all, intrinsically I know that she didn't. My concern lies more around the guys approaching her and how she would handle them. Would she dance with them? Would she entertain their advances? But on the phone she iterated why she enjoys going out with a group of girls. It's because that when a guy approaches a group of girls, it's easy to ignore them and just continue doing what they're doing. I've seen that happen, hell I've had it happen to me.

So what's the worry? I think it's because I'm not there. She'd equate that to being possessive, to myself it's more that I'd be there, therefore no guy would try to approach her or them. Does that mean that I don't trust her in those situations? I guess so. But then again, what I know about her out in those situations is what she told me how she basically would go out and hook up with guys sometimes. Then again, I'm not sure what type of relationship (if any) she was in at that time. I do know that when she had her affair on her previous husband, it was a situation like that. She went out, got plastered, hooked up with the guy and then carried it on for awhile. Doesn't make me feel good inside to hear those stories, and then her talk about how she wants to go out with her girl friends. But does that mean she'd do it to me?

Another note she said, is that when she goes out with the girls, she's able to talk about boys. Able to vent her views on things without having to worry about me hearing. That, I can understand. Just because I don't really do that, doesn't mean that she doesn't want to. Women need to commiserate their thoughts, get opinions, hear themselves out. Men tend to stereotypically bottle their thoughts up. I know that I tend to. But with these meetings with my counselor, maybe that will change. One of the comments she told me her friends made was that we couldn't get engaged until her friend gets back from a moth or two vacation in Asia. :) But I think that was one of those more poke in the ribs type of things. Just a reminder that she thinks we're moving too quickly.

Another situation came up when I got back into town and spoke with AL. She indicated that over the weekend it gave her time to think. Her worries came back about our living situation, how living in two different areas sucks. How her bills are stacking up, and that the only way she can keep it together is to hock something or refinance her home. She chose the latter, to refinance this weekend and get some equity out. She also gets a better rate, so definitely not a bad decision.

I think the living separate situation will get itself sorted out sooner rather than later. My dad indicated that he wants my sister to move out of her apartment and into the small house with me so that he doesn't have to pay for her living situation. This, doesn't make me feel good. I don't really want to live with my sister, unless it's necessary and she's going to be moving on in a foreseeable future. But, I have no choice in the situation, as my parents are also helping me out. So theoretically she'll be moving in with me next week. As a result of this, I'm thinking that I will move into AL's the following week. That will allow me to gauge what it would be like to live up in Battle Ground with her, and live with her as a whole.

She panicked a bit this past weekend, she put her thoughts of a past relationship on me yet again. She remembered how she moved out here with the thoughts of getting married and moving in with a guy up in Washington, and then having him back out once she got close enough to make it a reality. But I iterated to her that I'm not him. Actions will speak louder than words, I need to get my stuff sorted, finances in line and really site down with her and illustrate how we can make this happen for us. I want it, she wants it, we just need to do it.

Meeting the parents...

Well, tonight AL gets to meet my father. She has already gotten the pleasure of meeting my little sister, and now she gets to meet the man whom I tout as my father.

I mentioned the possibility of having dinner with my father this week to her this past weekend and she liked the idea, albeit made her nervous. But if we're going to move in, let alone get married in the future, it has to be done.

This time around, I believe that my parents will be a little more judgemental. They want to keep an eye out for me and be more vocal when they recognize something that may raise a red flag in their observations. In the ultimate end, I do not need their blessing for a marriage, and all they ideally want for me is my happiness. But after seeing me go through what I did with my ex, they'll definitely be more vocal on what they think about a possible significant other.

Today will be the ice breaker... should be interesting.

The past is the past....

But why does it bother me so? The past is just that... the past. Nothing that can ever be changed, but yet something that may predict the future.

In this case, it's promiscuity. My ex was promiscuous, and that relationship ultimately failed. I just found out that my current has a promiscuous past as well... does that predicate the future?

Does it matter? It's not like she has HIV, not like she has genital herpes, not like she's given me the clap. Physically, if anything, it may have altered her tightness... But that would vary over time anyways, and I'm not even sure about that, since I do not know how her body has evolved over time. All I know is how she is now. She's loving, she's great in bed, she knows her physical self, she's not afraid to express what she wants, and she likes what I give her. In fact, she's stated that I'm the best partner that she's ever had. Is that a good or bad thing?

Then again, it's not like I'm a virgin. Last time I counted (accurately) I put my number at 8. Her round number she gave me was around 30, with 5 being this year counting me. This year I've had 4 counting her. Sexually we both started around the same age of 17, but obviously our pattern of partners differed.

She does have history of sexual abuse that occurred to her. Could this have impacted her physical behavior? I think it may have... And if so, would it mean that her sexual history is a little more forgivable? Is there anything that I need to "forgive" for? It's not like she cheated on me, not like we were together when she decided to sleep with these guys. (maybe girls too.. I haven't asked, nor do I really want to know since this is screwing with my mind so much. No pun intended.).

I read a few articles this morning on this topic. The first one gave a good explanation on why it affects men about the number of partners a woman has. It has to do with valuing that action...

To quote the article:
"An object that has value is worshipped, respected, cherished, and shared with very few deserving people. As soon as you start sharing that object with anyone and without care, the object starts to lose value. The more people use the object, the more it depreciates and the less bargaining power it has: this is a plain psychological fact of life."

That's how I used to view sex. I always told myself that I would only do that action with someone whom I cared a lot about due to the possible repercussions of the actions. If a child was created, would I stay with that person? Just over this past year my views changed on it, although a few of those girls did get tied up in me. I always knew they weren't the one that I would settle down with, yet I still had sex with them.

So why do I always get caught up on a woman's past? Odds are I would never be a woman's first at this point in my life. So does it matter really if it's been 5, 15, 30 before me? Does it matter now since I'm the one she's with, the one that she loves? In fact, recently when we spoke on this topic she told me that I was the first man she was in love with prior to sleeping with them. For all of the others, it was basically just to see if they would work out to progress the relationship, and for some it was just sex to her. She made the statement about the double standard in society. How a man can go around sleeping with women and be a stud, yet when a woman does it, she's a slut. But I think that her view like that is more of a mask of the true issues behind it. How her abuse has fed into her sexual patterns. How since her step dad did what he did, she cannot orgasm through manual or oral stimulation, how she can only orgasm with someone inside of her. That's why I feel she has slept with so many.

The second article was more to the point. I need to get over it, or else it will always impact our relationship. A good quote from the article:

"Whatever she did has contributed to making her the wonderful person she is today, the one you love. Also, the fact that she's had lots of sexual experience can only be in your favor. She's probably a much better lover than she would be if she hadn't had those experiences, and you're enjoying that. Also, the fact that she's already done so much means she won't be worrying about what she missed. "

So she's 'settled' for me. But she's been experienced, so there may not be a 'first' that I get to do with her (except for possibly getting her to orgasm through oral... which, I've gotten her damn close already). Also, it may mean that she would be open to more ideas that I have, perhaps allow me to experience more than I already have, perhaps have better ideas that would keep us interested in each other.

The past is past, I can't change it, I can only move forward.

Quite a handful...

I'll be surprised if I come home from work and not find at least some damage around my house. Last night was "the great experiment": Introducing AL's dogs to my cats. Interestingly, it could have gone worse than it did. Although it wasn't smooth as butter. I didn't expect it to be.

It started with AL showing up at my house with her dogs in tow. It was raining outside, and in such weather my cats tend to want to be inside. But tonight was going to be a big surprise for them, as they were going to have some additional guests in the house. The first thing we did was unload their gear into my house. We brought in their dog beds, kennels and a gate to help separate them from another part of the house for the cats to be able to safely go into.

After the gear was into the house, we decided it'd be best to take the dogs to the park that was close and run them until they were tired out. While we were at the park, I got to observe how she handles her dogs and she got to observe the difference on how I would handle them. I compare pets to children, it's definitely tell-tale of mannerisms on how to discipline and praise. What I learned about her though was more that she is a bit overwhelmed by them. She loves them to no end, but since their energy is high, it runs her ragged. Also, since she doesn't have a partner around often to help her with them, she more tends to keep them home instead of getting them out of the house and socializing, which would help them leaps and bounds in their home life and how they respond to her. At one point during our walk, she had tears in her eyes and I asked her about them. She was worried that I would not want to deal with them, to not be with her because of her dogs. She's wrong about that, I told her so.

Sure, her dogs are difficult, but they're correctable, trainable and loving. It would just take time to help them settle down to a point where they would be find around my cats unattended. But for that night, we were set to try it out. Have a sleep over, and hope that all hell didn't break loose.

Once we arrived back home, we brought the dogs into the house and put them into their Kennels as we unloaded the rest of AL's stuff from her car. At this point, Hudson wanted to come into the house and get out of the rain. Funny, the kennels were right next to the front door, so when he ran inside he was greeted by the sight of AL's two dogs in their boxes. Surprisingly, the dogs didn't bark at Hudson, but Hudson did raise his hackles a bit and kept an eye on them while backing away. He didn't run out of the house, however since he knew that it was his place and not theirs. Packet on the other hand, was no where to be found. He had already the joy of meeting them outside of the house, hissed at them and decided that it'd be for the best for him to stay outside for awhile.

Once AL was unloaded, we let the dogs out and the proceeded to run around the house sniffing and exploring, pouring and tripping over each other. Hudson intelligently decided to head down stairs away from the commotion. Packet had also come inside since dinner and proceeded to head downstairs.

During the night, we kept the dogs in my room on their dog beds on the floor to help limit their pacing around the house while they explored and to allow my cats to have some allotted freedom to get used to this idea.

AL left the kennels at my house, as at her home they have their own dog run, and have the freedom to roam her house when she's at home. I think this was a good decision because it will also allow their smell to get into my house and the cats to hopefully become more comfortable with it. We'll see, time will tell.

NoPo or the 'Couve....

AL and I have been talking pretty heavily about moving in together, buying a house together, combining finances. All really huge topics when looking at the progression of a relationship, but none of which are keeping me hesitant from proceeding.

It's strange to me that I'm not hesitant, because with my ex I was. Maybe that was a tell-tale sign of my mistrust of her stability (or lack thereof). In the beginning I tried to trust my ex-wife, I let her contribute towards our living situation, to be responsible for bills, to pool our resources. But once she faltered, I quickly withdrew in that department. I became resentful of the situation because true, I was making more money and thus had more in the pool, but more for the fact that I couldn't even rely on her for the small portion that was her responsibility, yet she wanted to soak up mine.

I want to trust AL. But because I was hurt before, it is taking me awhile to come around and fully trust her. I also let AL know that I am a bit embarrassed of my situation. Here I am, making decent money but for some reason not able to afford my own lease (luckily I live in a house my parents own, and they are being extremely generous in allowing me to not pay rent so I can bank up for my own home in the near future) while saving for our future. I'm embarrassed of the thousands of dollars I have racked up on my credit cards for no apparent reason, how most of it was spent foolishly on items that would only become obsolete in the near future (i.e. computers, game consoles, etc). Granted, I also had to put money for things such as car repairs on my credit card, but overall I just burned into debt through poor decision making and am now paying for it... literally. Other than the roughly $25k in debt that has accrued in that manner, there is not much that is out of the ordinary for my financial situation. I have an auto loan and a car loan.

After my divorce I became lax in paying on my cards, and that has since impacted my credit rating to a point where I am paying an obscene rate on my cards. However over the past year that has changed and I have not missed any payments. Thus, I could probably call my creditors and work my APR's down so that I can begin to get ahead of the bills. Or another solution which I really hope would materialize of getting a loan from my parents to pay off my consumer debt and then pay them back on not only that loan, but for the months I have not paid rent. Unfortunately right now, they live on a fixed income, and finding that fundage is a problem for them. Especially when my parents are considering divorce...

It's not like AL is pristine either. She has accrued debt through her previous marriage as well, shouldering debt from her ex-husband that she is now paying off and has no recourse of recuperating the funds from him anymore. She has also just bought her place up in Battle Ground, a good 30 mins from Portland in good traffic.

So looking at our situation, our debt to income ratio, our current responsibilities... we're looking at either North Portland or Vancouver... both of which are related to ghetto's in my mind. But both of which are the only areas I can afford in and around Portland... /sigh

Finally confirmation...

I knew it from before, but it's good to have the professional opinion to back it up. My divorce was not at all my fault. I did nothing wrong, in fact I was much more accommodating than really what was healthy.

I hate failing. When I was 2 years old, my parents divorced. As a child it was difficult for me to comprehend what exactly went on, but ultimately I learned it was the right thing to do. My father was an exceptional circumstance for a divorce proceeding. He actually was the first father west of the Rockies to win sole custody of his children. The unfortunate part is that in order for that to happen, he had to prove that my mother was incapable of providing for me and my older sister since my mother had developed schitzophrenia. But he did it, and eventually he remarried to my step-mother.

At least my situation was much simpler. All I had to deal with was a woman who wouldn't be responsible, who admitted to me that she did not want to shoulder the responsibilities of paying her bills, helping out with a house, planning for the future. But yet she wanted it all. She at one point quit her job without giving me a warning, without having a job to step into, without plans to cover her debt she had accrued. Then she turned around and complained to me about how our living situation was not improving. But here I was, taking on a loss of income around $35k/year, and making sure we stayed afloat. On top of it all, she told me 6 months into our marriage that she did not love me anymore. No love, no emotional support and no financial help to me. So I attempted counseling, hoping that a neutral party would help enlighten her to her behavior and how unrealistic in life her expectations were.

Eventually we decided it would be for the better that we divorce as well. No children involved, she would keep her debts, I would keep mine. Basically it was just devolved into a real formal breakup, and yes it was for the better. But still, I hate failing.

My counselor indicated that this is because I'm an "over committer". Ironic, since AL is accusing me of not committing to our situation, to not relying on her financially, to not planning for our future together. My counselor also advised me to take my time, not rush into things, to give it at least a year with AL before getting married again. His advice I have been trying to follow even before he provided it to me. He suggested to pre-marital counseling, funny because both AL and I have spoken about doing it prior to my returning to seeing a counselor.

I'm a planner, so is AL. I'm scared of being financially taken advantage of again, so is she. So if we both have the same fears, yet realize that we're both not like the others in our lives whom have taken advantage of us... What are we waiting for? For me, it's seeing the logistics first. To see if we can afford it, how our finances are going to work together, to actually having to live with someone again. To having her dogs get used to my cats, to finding a house for us, to planning our new work paths. I'm a planner, she's a planner... it's time to get planning.

Sanity check...

Finally getting one tonight. Towards the end of my divorce (what's it been now... 2?) a year or 2 ago, my ex and I went to a counselor to attempt to help us sort out the issues we were having. His conclusion at that time? For her to grow up, and for me to decide whether or not I would want to remain in the marriage. Not that I had done anything wrong, just that my ex had obviously gone down a path of being irresponsible, non-supportive and non-loving.

Eventhough I made the right decision and decided to go through with the divorce and thus allow my ex to go on her way (of couse, she wanted out as well), there are still unanswered questions and feelings that I have. Tonight, I have my first session with that same counselor, for the first time since shortly prior my divorce. Man, we have a lot to hash out...

Fight like cats and dogs...

One of the quandry's that is facing AL and I are our pets. She has 2 dogs (Weimaraner's), and I have my 2 cats. Her Weimaraner's have energy to no end, where they are consistently running around the house, trying to play fetch, bounding on one another, bounding on us, always in search of attention. My cats tend to be more laid back, although Hudson is definitely an alpha cat, is not afraid of dogs and has faced many around our house. That's where my fear lies.

Researching this issue doesn't lead to many good conclusions. It basically states that with Weim's, they are a bit unpredictable around cats, since they tend to view cats as prey. AL's dogs are beginning to listen to me, heed to my commands and recognize that I will be around. Does that mean that they are under control? No, not at all. AL doesn't train them, they are already grown so training them will be a challenge, and some work to reverse their behavior.

Do I want to place my cats in this predicament? That's another situation to address. My cats are pretty resourceful, when my parents dogs were around, Hudson stood up for himself and showed that he wouldn't be bullied, Packet on the other hand would hide more. Do I think I can manage it and train them to get along? That will take work, and a lot of it.

AL and I have been talking about the best way to approach it, and she came up with a good beginning. She suggested that she only has them over for a weekday soon. That before we introduce them to the cats, that we will take her dogs to the park and run them tired. Luckily there is a park only 2 blocks from my house currently... We decided to try it this weekend... we'll see how it goes.

Hurt...

That's how I left SR last night. Tears welling up, disappointment in her voice, claims of disrespect and expressions of hurt. All of which are true.

Plain and simple, I was wrong for not talking to her before basically "announcing to the world" that I was off the market, so to speak. I've acknowledged that, I don't handle these sorts of situations well when a girl likes me much more than I like her. When I know that in the end the relationship won't go anyplace. But instead of breaking the news (and thus their hearts), I avoid it and they find out through other means. Then I look like an ass. It's really not healthy, and definitely something I'll be working with my counselor on.

But on the other hand... Sum hasn't contacted me in a few weeks, LF has already talked to me about it (though she was kind of stalkerish about it).. and now SR is taken care of. All 3 situations where I handled it poorly. All 3 I hurt in some fashion. All 3 that I should have probably cut it off awhile ago. SR was the longest of the 3... she has even planned on living in a townhouse in the same complex as the one I have a reserve down on... If I live there, it will be interesting, but I believe we'll keep it civil. I will expect some drunken, crying phone calls in the future from her... either that, or avoidance from her in the future once we wrap up this bowling session (which we're on the same team for).

So I caused a broken heart... but at least I got my boxers back from SR. The exchange of belongings at the end of a relationship... awkward.

White picket fence, 2.5 kids....

The home talk between AL and I is getting pretty heavy. On one hand, we're not even married yet. On the other we're already talking about retiring together. It's crazy.

But everything feels great! Any concerns we have about one another we bring up and hash out at that time, we try to not leave anything to rest. There have been times when both of us have suppressed information from one another, being cautious about the other person's possible reaction to the statement. But that's all part of a growing relationship, finding out what situations rile a person, or what situations please them to no end and everything between.

She mentioned the other day that at times she feels that she has to "walk on eggshells" when talking to me. More than likely due to my statement to her about how I get angry and hurt when I hear her talk about flying to places to meet up with guys to see if a relationship will work or not. To me, it just seems that she has a sordid history of sorts. Where she's quick to jump on a relationship, which to me translates to her sleeping with them all. She talks as if it's been more than numerous guys, and if that's the case, it would bother me, but I'm not sure why.

It could be because it hurts me that she would treat herself that way, that she would put herself out there for someone who didn't deserve her. But that's part of life, to live and learn. Why would it bother me if she did sleep with them all? I don't even know what the number surrounding "all" is... She told me about an amazing trip she took up to Alaska. In pretext it was to visit Alaska since she's never been there... in post text it was because she was up there for 5 days with a guy she thought she'd start a relationship with. Oh, and that there was another person up there that was a friend from a conference that she wanted to visit. Hrm.. did she sleep with him? Does it matter? I saw the pictures of the guy on her social website page... why am I looking at that? Why can't I put that out of my head and chalk it up to the past?

One direct illustration of this is around the situation between her and a friend of mine. Yes, they dated, and in fact he slept with her. What hurts me was that she asked me if I would care if she dated him since we all played on the same soccer team together, and the fact that I did go out on a date with her in the past. I told her no, it wouldn't bother me, but I knew it would. That was my fault... maybe I should have headed it off at that time, but I didn't want to be a jerk and you never know the future. Maybe it would have worked out for them, but it didn't. I knew it wouldn't, and I told her so at that time. I told her how he was anti-social, how he had a really bad relationship relatively recently, of how he is judgemental of people at times. But she didn't listen. She admitted to me later that she would have dated him regardless, that she just wanted to warn me. She would have done it.. no matter what I said. But I warned her... I thought she would heed it and not do it... instead, she got involved with him. She learned of his past, she "got intoxicated with his plight", another guy which she thought she could fix. The part that really stabs me though is that she slept with him. I don't need that picture in my head. Have you ever seen the movie Office Space? Yeah, that scene about the boss screwing the girl? That keeps running in my head... I really don't need that.

I believe that it bothers me because I'm suspect of her previous decisions and what it could mean in the future. Here she is, with a rash of relationships that all seem to be bad, then she winds up with me. She's admitted to the pattern of jumping from one relationship to another, to physically moving locations to try a relationship out (multiple times). She's admitted to adultery in her previous marriage. Have my decisions been any better? In fact, I've had the same pattern, jumping from one relationship to the next, however when I was married I never committed adultery. That's one thing I would never do. But for more casual relationships, I've always had something on the front burner and back... But not now. I've cut it down to her, and her only.

It scares me. But here we are... talking of marriage, kids, moving in together, buying a house... Both excited, yet both pensive. I wish we both didn't have a past. I wish that I would have found her much earlier in my life. I'm thankful that I have her now.

Coming out of the woodwork...

In my previous post I spoke a bit about how LF contacted AL about me and how that lead to a discussion of people contacting ex's. I spoke with AL about how I do have a connection with my ex, but not like I communicate with her at all unless it's necessary. I.E. something major happens in her home city, or something happens with her family, etc. But I try not to reach out first. In fact, my ex contacted me with updates on her family last. I didn't respond.

AL let me know that in fact her ex husband called her that day. I have no idea why, she didn't elaborate much on their conversation. So I asked her if she told him about me. She said no. She said that she did tell him that she was in Kentucky (she's driving along the eastern United States on a road trip with her mother), and it seemed that he thought she was out there for a guy but didn't ask. Makes me wonder why she didn't work me into the conversation at some point...

Part of me understands about her communicating with him, he's possibly going to go to war in the next year, she has both of their dogs, they are divorced. But still, when is a good time to cut communication? Does he need to call and talk to her about the weather? Will she ever cut off all unnecessary communication with him? All of these seem to be unknown, and tend to make me worried about what others are trying to contact her. She has indicated that the others she used to date do try to contact her from time to time... what's the best way to handle that?

It's time to sever ties...

So I'm finally opening up about my relationship with AL to the others I used to date. LF had the audacity to message AL through myspace asking her if she was dating me, asking if anything happened to me, etc. WTF.

What a stalker. I really hope that AL didn't respond, she said that she hadn't, but was concerned because it was apparant to her that I hadn't yet severed ties with the other girls I used to be dating. She's exactly right, I hadn't been direct with the others up to that point. But I also hadn't encouraged any contact with them. In fact, I've been ignoring them as a whole. Not really a good way to approach (or not approach) a breakup. Shows that I still have work to do to be able to come to closure on relationships and get over previous occurances in my life.

It riled me that LF would over step boundaries of sorts and reach out to AL to check on me and probe the situation between us. It's really none of her business. Using the facade of checking on my wellness to broach contact with a woman whom she suspected I was dating. Well, LF was right, I am dating AL. I spoke to AL about that situation, that I had not in fact given LF the news that I was dating AL now exclusively. Understandably this upset AL. That was the catalyst that got me to finally start acknowledging publicly to the others that I was now with AL and not them.

I responded back to LF and let her know how it was. How I was sorry I wasn't up front with her about me dating AL now, said that I could stay friends with LF, yadda yadda. She responded back that she was dating someone else too (what.. trying to get me jealous?), asking why I stopped talking to her, that AL and I have a lot in common since she's divorced too, stating that she thought I didn't want to date anyone. Funny... really shallow statements once I took a step back and looked at what she was saying. I must have a lot in common with AL because she's divorced too.

Not really... Of course the divorce is a commonality between us, but it's really shallow that "we have a lot in common" due to it. No... there's more things that AL and I click on. A lot of things that LF isn't deep enough to comprehend. But do I need to go over the similarities between AL and me? It's none of LF's business. So I told her that there are other common things between us besides that. I told LF that the fact she started dating someone else was the reason why I "dropped off the face of the planet". Which is a scape goat... But an easy enough excuse to give. I told her that I hope that the new guy she's dating stays good to her (which I do.. I don't like wishing ill will on anyone).

She responded again letting me know that she really did like me, that she wasn't sure it would work out with the new guy. Then she made the statement: "I wouldnt count it out definitely for the future but i think its better this way anyways for right now." What does she mean by 'right now'? It better not mean that she's going to be sticking around... I don't need that. AL and I don't need that. Then she let me know that she was actually in Buffalo, NY due to her mom being in the hospital with complications from cancer. More things that I listened to LF on and spoke with her about... probably more things that other guys she interacts with can't comprehend or deal with... Life sucks at times... I really feel sympathetic for her, but I can't lend her the support she needs.... it's really too bad.

Along those same lines, I updated my public profiles to indicate that I'm "In a relationship". We'll see what ripples that causes... SR hasn't spoken to me yet.

Life goes on.

"You couldn't afford a ring anyways.... :)"

Was the message that I woke up to from AL this morning. Seems a bit of an assumption as to what I can or cannot afford. Also, it seems to be some sort of a tactic to put off any marriage talk that she had gone full gusto into a few weeks ago. She wavers a lot on the topic with me. In the same breath, she'll say that she is going to spend the rest of her life with me, but that she wants to hold off on marriage.

I can understand, we've both been divorced relatively recently. We've only just spent a lot of time with each other in this past month, hell, we haven't even lived together for a period of time yet. Why should marriage even be in the picture? It's strange though, she's telling everyone in her family that she wants to marry me. For instance this week, on her trip, she told her mother. She's told her brother and his fiancee, she's told her best friends, so why the hesitation?

It's like stepping into a pool of water. You're not sure how cold or hot it is, so you want to stick a toe out there to test it. She wants it, I want it, but we're both hesitant on the future. The thing is, is that you cannot predict it. You can't guarantee anything in the future.

My response to her for the above comment was: "Sounds like you don't want to be married." To which she responded: "I don't want you to go broke! :) Or more into debt". Hrm... interesting. To me, it seems that she's a bit financially oriented. Why should the size of the rock even matter if you truly love each other? To me, the ring is symbolic. Sure, I want her to be able to flash her ring, to get the Oohs and Aahs from her friends, to make her proud of something on her hand. But then again, that shouldn't be the factor that dictates whether or not she wants to marry me.

So instead of texting her this morning, I followed up with a call and spoke to her about it. I let her know that the ring to me is no real big deal... It's the symbol it represents. That she's bringing up the fact that money is tight right now as a way to delay any further progress towards us getting married eventually. So we hashed it out a bit, but still it left me with some thoughts to mull over.

Last night we were talking about ideas for the wedding, and she mentioned how her mother suggested Hawaii. Great... bigger ring, she wants to get married in Hawaii... am I noticing a trend? Granted, my parents live in Hawaii part of the year, so they won't have to fly in, but AL's family will. Still, that makes it a bit more expensive then just having it here local where some of her family is, and my parents tend to come through Portland a few times a year so we can time it with that. She also mentioned how her mother told her to bring a bathing suit with her on this trip because they were going to go down to Florida. So I told AL I wanted pictures of her in it... a nice 2 piece suit. She balked and said, "only if you take me to Hawaii". Why should the location matter? Why do I need to trade something for something? I confronted her on that one... it actually came down to the fact that she's modest. She doesn't want pictures of her around in a bathing suit. I guess I can understand that. But still, preceding it by saying that I would only get pictures of her in a bathing suit if I took her to Hawaii.... WTF.

She texted me with a follow up comment: "Part of me wants something bigger than my last, but I know that should have no bearing on us." I know where she's coming from. She obviously feels that our love is greater than her last, that our relationship has to super cede it and get the memories out of her head. But a ring won't do that. Curiosity got the better of me, so I asked her how big her ring was before.

0.43 Carats. Sad... That's easily topped.

These sorts of comments and behaviors are raising concerns with me... I really need to see my therapist and hash this out. See why I'm having these concerns... why she's making these comments.. what's at the root of the situation.

... feeling confused and hurt...

Those were the feelings of SR on Thursday after bowling. That night I had gotten a bit blazed and drunk. Combine that with a horrible bowling night and the want to be with AL, I wanted to get out of there and quick. I didn't want to stick around and hash things out with SR, to see her cry, to hear her plead for me.

That's the cowardly side of me. Always looking to avoid a confrontation, when I know for a fact that if I just step up and do it, it would be better for both of us and we could move on. She will be hurt, but she also knows it was inevitable. I had gotten together with her for the simple fact that I'm co-dependent. I need to have a counter part to me, someone to talk with and spend time with. Being alone is hard for me because ... I don't know. Could be because as a child I was teased, so if I have someone who wants to be around me, I'll feel better about myself. Maybe it's because I don't truly know myself yet, perhaps it's because I just need physical fulfillment. For any of those reasons, that makes me cowardly and unfair. Unfair to both of us.

In a week or so, I'm going to see a therapist again. Same one that counseled me along with my ex wife during our divorce. Well, more preceeding our divorce. It's good in the fact that he already knows some of my back story, that we'll be able just to pick up from the divorce on and move forward from there. I've been talking for awhile to get back to a therapist, and I told AL this before she even suggested it, so she knows that I'm doing this for myself and not just for her.

LF has also been contacting me. Last message she left me was: "I'm not going to quit calling you until you talk to me..." Stalker. Scary. But yet another illustration of me not handling confrontations. You would think that with my experience as a Resident Assistant, Hall Director and Manager that I would know how to handle confrontation.. but you'd be mistaken.

AL's leaving tonight for the east coast to spend some time with her mother. She will be back in a week from this Sunday. 9 days. 9 days and I already miss her. This week might be interesting, we'll see if I can tie up loose ends and take care of the situations that I should have closed a long time ago.

Out with the old....

Today I spoke with AL about various topics, one was the situation of her maybe getting a roommate to help ease the burden of her lease. It's hard when first beginning your adult life, making your first home purchase, digging out of consumer debt and assuming more mature debts like a mortgage and a car loan. I have yet to experience that pain, and in fact have lead a sheltered environment where my parents have made it extremely easy for me to not be fiscally responsible. For instance, right now I do not pay rent to my parents, yet I live in a house that they own. I still find it difficult to put more than $1g in the bank per month due to bad spending habits, over extension of consumer debt, unplanned expenses, dates, etc.

She also ran by the idea of selling her old engagement ring from her first marriage. That made me balk a bit... why would she want to dump something that is commemorative of a significant occurrence in her life? I infact still have my wedding ring, albeit is much cheaper than an engagement ring since it is just a titanium band. She feels that if she sold her ring, she'd be able to get around $2,000 for it... it would give her a cushion for a few months while she found a quality roommate to help defray costs.

Yesterday she also ran by me the idea of borrowing money from her parents for a bit. I personally like that idea a bit better, most likely because I'm a sentimental type. I find it hard to let go of momentos of past relationships. From love letters, stuffed animals, pictures... even to the sex video I made with an ex from college. Perhaps I'm the one who needs to learn how to move on from the past, look onto the future. Why keep my titanium wedding ring from my past failed marriage? Not like I'll ever wear it again... but still. Memories and all that.

AL's statement about selling her ring was this: "I guess I am finally ready to get rid of it all. I was close to being ready, and now I am ready, now that I met you." To which I replied: "Again, it's your decision." I can't tell her to get rid of it, I wasn't involved. I can't tell her to keep it... maybe she truly wants to flush that portion of her life away.

Out with the old... in with the new.

I may be perceptive, but I'm not a mind reader...

Last night, AL and I finally had a nice long discussion about a concern of hers that I wasn't readily aware of. It was a good thing for us, to learn how we both deal with conflict, how we can voice our concerns and resolve situations.

Her concern lied around the decision surrounding my townhouse that I'm poised to purchase next month. The townhouse is in a good location in Portland that is invariably going to go up in value for a) being inside Portland boundaries and b) having a lot of development commission work being done in the area. Also, the price of the 3 bedroom, 3.5 bathroom townhouse is really cheap. All in all, a great starter home that I have only planned to be in for 3 to 5 years, tops.

AL, on the other hand, owns a home already up in Washington. It's a nice 3 bedroom ranch style home with a decent sized yard. The issue with me is, that a) I do not really like ranch style homes and b) the town that it is in, is way too small for my taste c) it's 30 minutes away from Portland and d) her and my friends are down here in Portland anyway. Why move up there? But therein lied the rub.

She feels trapped up in her town, she's scared of losing money on the home, of being behind financially already, of falling even more behind. She translated that fear onto my situation, that buying a Townhouse would not yield more financial gain than a stand alone home, that if I buy it now it will make me stay in it for a few years... that she didn't want to wait years to move in with me... that she would always be trapped in her place without me, that I was not moving forward together with her for some reason.

I in turn reminded her that I had not purchased the place yet, that I have only put down a reserve... I also explained to her that I had reserved the place much before I met her. That at the time her opinion wasn't available to me. It's not that I didn't value her opinion. I suggested that I show the place to her, perhaps that would ease her thoughts.

So we spoke on it until we got down to the root of her feelings... Her thoughts and views about us are further down the relationship path than mine... I'm still being cautious, she's quick to jump ahead. Perhaps that shows the behavior of her being extremely co-dependent... maybe she's just that much in love with me that she would get upset with my decisions that preceded her and my relationship, because she feels that we should be much more committed already.

It still feels right between us... even this hiccup. It shows that we're willing to discuss situations with each other and work on sorting them out. That even though she feels trapped in her home, that in fact she's not... she can always sell it, I can always sell my home. That I am open to her opinions and views, but that I make my decisions in a calculated manner, so for me to change my decision will take collaboration between both of us until a viable solution arises.

But we're not even married yet.... why are we discussing homes and moving in together? Does one really predicate the other? ....

Does the past predicate the future?

So obviously I've been a bit absent in my postings, but that's translated to developments in my personal life. This past weekend I spent a lot of time with AL... I mean, a lot. Basically the whole weekend.

Last Thursday night she ended up staying the night with me at my place. It's strange, I actually wanted her to stay whereas all the other girls I couldn't wait for them to leave once we finished having sex. We had a nice dinner that Thursday night, so with her staying the night topped it off perfectly.

Friday, I worked from home because I had a few things to take care of like getting the oil changed in my car and some other errands. Friday night, I had a late soccer game, to which she showed up for to watch for awhile. Friday night I spent with myself.

Saturday, AL had an event at her job up in Washington. I've always been curious as to what her job entails, so since Saturday was a more "open to the public" days, it would be perfect for me to get up there and see what she does. Saturday went well, went up to her work out in the middle of the forest. She showed me her government office, and drove me out to the areas around the forest where she works. She told me about the studies that she has executed, how she has been published and her current responsibilities. It's amazing to really fathom her impact on the environment, where she more just thinks it's nothing too special.

Our conversations never ended, we always have views on things, challenge each other on our views, help each other express our thoughts, hash out concerns that we have about one another. It all went well... for the most part.

I hate the past, the past is just that... gone. Although a person's previous decisions may resemble a pattern, i.e. my ex-wife not being reliable and responsible. But AL is that.. at least responsible in her profession and supporting herself. Relationship wise, she has been a bit away from perfect. She has been divorced for a few years now, and was separated for at least half a year before that. Her marriage ended though due to her cheating on her husband. At least that was the reason on top... The more she spoke to me about her marriage and why it fell apart, I see more the reason why she behaved how she did was the fact that he wasn't supportive of their relationship. He made the decision to leave her and go back to school, but not taking her feelings into account. For example, he didn't choose a school nearby, he didn't explore taking online courses, he didn't attempt to hold a job while going through school. He just upped and left her, left her with their bills, left her to support him financially, left her alone by herself. All things that I wouldn't do at this point. I'm finished with school, I have my own job that pays decently, I'm about to own my own place.

She tried blaming it on alcohol in the beginning, but I challenged that. I don't believe that alcohol is an excuse of carrying on an affair. Maybe cheating once, but an affair is over a period of time. You're not drinking that whole time. It may make poor decisions easier to deal with, but overall it's not the deciding factor, it's not _the_ catalyst, but it could make the actions easier to carry out.

I never cheated on my wife... In high school and in college though, I did tend to get involved with other girls. But once it got physical, I'd always end the previous relationship and jump right into another. Definitely not a healthy pattern. One that I thought I had left behind, and did when I was married. Since my divorce I've been balancing different relationships, but never declared myself in a commited relationship with any of them. In fact when they pushed for it, I'd push against. But with AL it's different. I want one with her, I don't mind pushing the other girls away for her.

Another wrinkle in this whole situation is the fact that she dated a friend of mine previously. Even after I advised her that it wouldn't work out between her and him, she persued it anyways. She's the type who always looked for "projects", for guys that she thought she could fix, and my friend fits that perfectly in the relationship category. Personality wise, he's also not that outgoing, not the type that I felt she would enjoy or understand. True enough, it didn't work out. But the real dagger is the fact that she slept with him. I hate that. I hate that she made a poor decision with someone that wasn't good for her, that she slept with him so quickly. Therein lies the other concern that I have. If she was so quick to sleep with him, how many others has she been quick to sleep with? But is that a fair question? I mean, look at me... how many have I slept with since my divorce in October of '05? 3? 4? 5? And not like they were the best decisions for me too. I knew that they were co-dependent, that they were hooked on me, that I was only half-hearted into it because I could see flaws that I couldn't live with. But I am the type to always hold out hope, that they would have changed... But I was wrong.

Still... I slept with them, she slept with him... It's all in the past... does it really matter? Does it predicate the future? Would she cheat on me if she felt she wasn't being supported? Or is our communication strong enough that she would challenge me on it and let me know her true concerns? Time will tell... time to dwell...