... feeling confused and hurt...

Those were the feelings of SR on Thursday after bowling. That night I had gotten a bit blazed and drunk. Combine that with a horrible bowling night and the want to be with AL, I wanted to get out of there and quick. I didn't want to stick around and hash things out with SR, to see her cry, to hear her plead for me.

That's the cowardly side of me. Always looking to avoid a confrontation, when I know for a fact that if I just step up and do it, it would be better for both of us and we could move on. She will be hurt, but she also knows it was inevitable. I had gotten together with her for the simple fact that I'm co-dependent. I need to have a counter part to me, someone to talk with and spend time with. Being alone is hard for me because ... I don't know. Could be because as a child I was teased, so if I have someone who wants to be around me, I'll feel better about myself. Maybe it's because I don't truly know myself yet, perhaps it's because I just need physical fulfillment. For any of those reasons, that makes me cowardly and unfair. Unfair to both of us.

In a week or so, I'm going to see a therapist again. Same one that counseled me along with my ex wife during our divorce. Well, more preceeding our divorce. It's good in the fact that he already knows some of my back story, that we'll be able just to pick up from the divorce on and move forward from there. I've been talking for awhile to get back to a therapist, and I told AL this before she even suggested it, so she knows that I'm doing this for myself and not just for her.

LF has also been contacting me. Last message she left me was: "I'm not going to quit calling you until you talk to me..." Stalker. Scary. But yet another illustration of me not handling confrontations. You would think that with my experience as a Resident Assistant, Hall Director and Manager that I would know how to handle confrontation.. but you'd be mistaken.

AL's leaving tonight for the east coast to spend some time with her mother. She will be back in a week from this Sunday. 9 days. 9 days and I already miss her. This week might be interesting, we'll see if I can tie up loose ends and take care of the situations that I should have closed a long time ago.