Last night, AL and I finally had a nice long discussion about a concern of hers that I wasn't readily aware of. It was a good thing for us, to learn how we both deal with conflict, how we can voice our concerns and resolve situations.
Her concern lied around the decision surrounding my townhouse that I'm poised to purchase next month. The townhouse is in a good location in Portland that is invariably going to go up in value for a) being inside Portland boundaries and b) having a lot of development commission work being done in the area. Also, the price of the 3 bedroom, 3.5 bathroom townhouse is really cheap. All in all, a great starter home that I have only planned to be in for 3 to 5 years, tops.
AL, on the other hand, owns a home already up in Washington. It's a nice 3 bedroom ranch style home with a decent sized yard. The issue with me is, that a) I do not really like ranch style homes and b) the town that it is in, is way too small for my taste c) it's 30 minutes away from Portland and d) her and my friends are down here in Portland anyway. Why move up there? But therein lied the rub.
She feels trapped up in her town, she's scared of losing money on the home, of being behind financially already, of falling even more behind. She translated that fear onto my situation, that buying a Townhouse would not yield more financial gain than a stand alone home, that if I buy it now it will make me stay in it for a few years... that she didn't want to wait years to move in with me... that she would always be trapped in her place without me, that I was not moving forward together with her for some reason.
I in turn reminded her that I had not purchased the place yet, that I have only put down a reserve... I also explained to her that I had reserved the place much before I met her. That at the time her opinion wasn't available to me. It's not that I didn't value her opinion. I suggested that I show the place to her, perhaps that would ease her thoughts.
So we spoke on it until we got down to the root of her feelings... Her thoughts and views about us are further down the relationship path than mine... I'm still being cautious, she's quick to jump ahead. Perhaps that shows the behavior of her being extremely co-dependent... maybe she's just that much in love with me that she would get upset with my decisions that preceded her and my relationship, because she feels that we should be much more committed already.
It still feels right between us... even this hiccup. It shows that we're willing to discuss situations with each other and work on sorting them out. That even though she feels trapped in her home, that in fact she's not... she can always sell it, I can always sell my home. That I am open to her opinions and views, but that I make my decisions in a calculated manner, so for me to change my decision will take collaboration between both of us until a viable solution arises.
But we're not even married yet.... why are we discussing homes and moving in together? Does one really predicate the other? ....
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