Karma's a Bitch...

I knew that something would have to give. One way or another, the "harem" would be trimmed down, one-by-one until the last one was left. Knowing my luck, the last two will take off at the same time and I'll be at square 1, by myself yet again. Not necessarily a bad thing, I guess. Alone time is good now and then, but it's not always enjoyable.

On Friday I had an indoor game with one of my adult co-ed teams. Nothing big happened, we ended up tying 4-4 after going up 4-1. I scored 2 goals, so I couldn't score anymore. Since that was the case, our goalie wanted to come out and play field. Unfortunately this was with about 15 minutes left in the game in the second half. I do play goal keeper now and then, so it should have been that big of a deal to drop back and let the regular keeper play the field. The unfortunate thing is that makes the flow of the game different. The other team ended up changing the momentum of the game and came back to tie it up in the end. Bummer, but it happens.

Sum has been trying to do something with me for a long time now. Ever since she got back from Morocco about a month or so ago, so it was due time I spent some time with her. We ended up driving out to the coast for the day, to Manzanita, Oregon to help out with the SOLV event. It was a simple beach clean-up. Go down, pick up some bags and gloves and comb the beach for refuse. The unfortunate issue is that it's not fully organized. That's about the whole organizational structure of it. No guidance about where to go cover, no assignment of groups to areas, nothing really effective. So naturally most people ended up just going about half a mile in each direction of the base tent and cleaning that area only. Makes me sad, because just a little bit more effort will allow for a much more effective event. I guess at that point, my Karma should have been Karma = Karma + 1.

Saturday was some of the same, cleaned up my house a bit, did some odd chores, etc. Watched the Oregon State Beavers trounce on Idaho State in football, and also caught some of the University of Oregon Ducks whipping on the Fresno State team. That night I ended up meeting my friend Ryan at a billiards hall nearby called Sam's Billiards. Stayed out until around 11:30 or so, then made it home and to bed. During that day, LF sent me a few messages checking in to see what I was doing and if I wanted to go out. I didn't with her, I just wanted a quiet day away from relationship situations... That may have backfired on me. She did however text me around 1am seeing if I was up. It woke me up, but I didn't answer.

So today rolls around. The agenda today has been the following so far: Soccer at noon with my work team (we lost 2-0), then went and looked at the progress on my townhouse. That looked good so far to me, but found out that my move into it will be delayed until about November due to HOA setup, final pricing, etc. After those two things, I decided it'd be nice to check in with LF to see how she was doing. Well, that's when Karma bit back.

During the conversation, she let me know that she had recently gone out on a date with someone. I had a feeling that she did, as a couple of days last week I didn't really hear from her, or at least as much as I usually do. Initially it made me a bit upset. I mulled over some thoughts with her on the situation. She told me that we weren't exclusive, and in fact that I didn't want that either. She's right. I don't want to be exclusive... Or more that I don't want the responsibility of a relationship that is situated like that. I don't want to always feel like I have to call someone to check in, that I'm bad if I don't go see them when I have a free second, that I always have to call them every single day. I don't want that.

With my parents mulling a divorce, my new house being finished, possibility of going to see my grandfather's dedication at Purdue later next month, and work. On top of that, playing on 6 soccer teams, having a weekly bowling team and balancing 3 other girls, sometimes I feel like I don't have time to myself to breathe. It doesn't help that I also have Seasonal Affected Disorder and that the fall season is right on top of us in Oregon now. Ugh. But I can't have everything.

So I told her my thoughts on it. I didn't say I was dating anyone else (although she's not stupid, I'm sure she has a feeling I am). But I did let her know that if she wanted to date someone else, then she wouldn't be dating me. That's the truth, although extremely selfish of me. I recognize that. If she actually knew about the other girls, I'm sure she'd be way gone from me. Could be good, could be bad.

We spoke some more about it. I asked who the guy was (it's someone who does a lot of the same activities that she does...) Did she kiss him? (well, he kissed her...) Would she date him again? (She told him that she just wanted to be friends... no more one on one dates with him.)

Do I think she's telling me the truth? Yes, I do. I mean, she keeps stating that she doesn't want to be alone anymore. She's been "alone" for over a year and a half. (Oh wait.. she did sleep with someone earlier this year... thus the abortion... ) She skews situations so much. I.E. she said that she hasn't seen me in a week. But I saw her on Thursday. That we don't talk... We talked on the phone on Friday. The more and more I think about it, she's definitely maintenance. So why does it bug me that she dates someone else?

I think a lot of it stems back from my father's original divorce, how I was treated in middle school, my own divorce and the separation anxiety that I have. Here's someone who desperately wants to spend more time with me, but I keep pushing away and not letting her in. Maybe it's something that I'm trying to prove... But to whom? All I'm doing is putting myself in a situation where I'll hurt someone else and myself in the long run.

Meanwhile, AL wanted to meet me at the Timbers playoff game tonight. It's actually going on right now as I type this. I knew in the back of my head that LF would be there (She told me she was going with some friends...), SR would also theoretically be there (She mentioned it earlier this week on Wednesday that she was thinking of going). But I went down there anyways. Drove around for 1/2 an hour looking for parking, literally combing all the streets nearby the stadium. No avail. I didn't want to walk a mile to the stadium once I found street parking, and it was already about 20 minutes into the first half, so I ended up saying "fuck it" and went back home. I sent a text to AL letting her know the news, she was definitely bummed. I let her know about how I was driving all over trying to find parking to no avail. She was there with some girl friends of hers, so at least she wasn't alone. I let her know to call me once the game was done, and mayhaps we'll meet up then.... Just maybe.